What Failure Has Taught Me About Forgiveness

The stereotype is true that the more kids you have, the more you let go.  I used to think of it as a frazzled and frustrated letting things go, the type that elicits searing thoughts like, What a shame, she’s really let herself go.  

You know the picture—a disheveled mom with greasy hair and milk-stained t-shirt wearing the same sweatpants four days in a row.  I’m sure I looked down on those poor women.  Children are just such a burden, no wonder she’s a wreck.

But then I became that woman.  Most days I am a wreck.  I’m the one wearing stained t-shirts, donning greasy ponytails, and still spewing dragon coffee breath well past noon.  I guess I thought I would have my act together after five children and ten years of parenting.  That just hasn’t been my story.  The other morning I threw a diaper across the kitchen at my son.  

What is happening Lord?!

But being a wreck can be the best teacher.  As it turns out, the unique circumstances God has allowed in my life—greasy ponytails, diaper rockets and all—are part of His loving refinement.  They teach me to persevere despite failure, hope in the Lord rather than my own flawed efforts, and provide ample opportunities to practice spiritual disciplines like forgiveness.

Just like the apostle Paul who found himself in a literal shipwreck, I often feel like I’m drowning in the unseen shipwreck buried at the bottom of my heart.  Wreckage like unforgiveness and anger. 

Life can be so weird, can’t it?  I’m continuously surprised as people say and do things that I did not anticipate…as I do and say things I did not intend.  Things like hurling diapers towards my children.  

But then I remember scripture.  The oasis my dry heart needs more than any other thing.  

There I learn that forgiveness is a necessity no less vital than the air I breathe.  Like trying to build a house without a hammer, I somehow think I can build my life without forgiveness.  What a ludicrous notion, really.  

The Bible states, If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. (1 John 1:8)

Forgive my arrogance, Lord.  

When the day unfolds and the tests come, they never feel good.  God’s Word sounds much more appealing when the house is quiet and my coffee is in hand.  But when God’s words jump into real life and I’m actually in need of forgiveness it feels threatening. 

The morning I threw a diaper at my son, he was wrong; but so was I.  He needed to take ownership of his wrong behavior and seek my forgiveness as much as I needed to accept responsibility for my wrong actions and seek his forgiveness.  Yet, it is so easy to think and feel things like,

I’m not going to forgive him!  He doesn’t deserve it!  That’ll just make me look weak and then he’ll walk all over me.

No, actually, it won’t.  Humbly seeking forgiveness and admitting my wrongs is a good example to set for my son.  One day when he finds himself in conflict with his boss, or a friend, or his wife, they will be glad he had practice humbly seeking forgiveness.  

But for now the practicing can seem daunting and unending.  My quest to view life through God’s eyes and not my own, feels long and arduous.  My struggle against sin feels like a war.  The narrow, difficult path God calls me to feels difficult and often very narrow.  

And yet God has brought me into a wide and spacious land, the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  He is my help, my grace, my strength, and my song. 

So which is it?  Is life difficult or easy?  Is it narrow or spacious?  Is it freedom or a war? 

My friends, it is both.  It is gloriously, mysteriously, wonderfully both. 

Life is hard and the battle is on.  But there, too, is joy.  Forgiveness is possible.  

My son forgave me for throwing a diaper at him and was eager to grant me permission to share the story.  We eventually laughed together about the circumstances God uses to grow us up in Him.  

It is humbling to fail and need forgiveness.  But God values humility.  I wonder if it isn’t His love that allows us to stumble in order to remedy our inflated views of ourselves.  

My head is often swollen with knowledge as I attempt to walk out this Christian life.  I need the Lord to redirect my attention from the temporary to the eternal.  I need Him to give me wisdom to humbly tread heights as difficult as forgiveness. 

Jesus, thank you for children who are yes, sometimes a burden, but always a blessing.  Thank you for your Word which is sometimes alarming, but always true.  Thank you for the instruction I receive in the hard and difficult places.  And thank you for revealing to me life that is truly life.       

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."
Romans 8:5-6